I Will Be
by imdftmyba
Summary: My Take on Big Time Break Up, When Jo Leaves for New Zealand. The moments after she's gone, and Kendall's feeling the heartache.


My Take on Big Time Break Up. The day Jo Left. Spur of the moment one-shot. Please Favourite, review if you like it. It means a lot to me when you do. Enjoy the story!

Disclaimer - I own nothing.

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><p>One moment everything had been perfect the next not, then perfect again and now staring up the light blue sky, that was slowly darkening as the sun set and watching the plane take off into the distance he couldn't help but just feel his heart begin to break into a million tiny pieces. Heartache like this had never been something he'd ever felt. Never something he wanted to feel again, because boy did it hurt. It was like each millisecond away from her caused another crack to appear, it would only be a matter of time before the heart was in many little pieces and he had to get a doctor to fix. It was a completely different pain. Not like the one he got from concussions, or when he was slammed against the boards during hockey. Unlike the slaps from one certain actress, or the friendly punches during arguments. This made him want to just collapse on to the floor and never leave. Placing a hand longingly on the window he saw the reflection of his three brothers in the window. He rapidly blinked back the tears that threatened to fall from his green eyes. He had to be strong. He had to be Kendall Knight fearless leader. He couldn't just be the guy who'd lost his girlfriend.<p>

With a last sigh, and one last long look, he turned back to his friends. All of them sharing the same sad smile that Kendall reflected. The green eyes so usually filled with the light of life were glistening emptily, the smile he tried to show his friends failed. It was the kind of smile that wouldn't convince anyone that Kendall was okay. He could only convince his friends that he would in time be okay. In time, and that was all he'd ask for. A little bit of time to reflect on the relationship and think about how he was going to ever love again. He never really wanted to have to go through what he was feeling there again. Ever. No matter the person or how fuzzy they made him feel inside. As he walked to his friends, he couldn't speak, he could only think of how he never wanted to go through love again. Not once. It hurt too bad, and Kendall as strong as he was, didn't think he could handle losing anyone else. He was pretty sure his heart wouldn't be able to go through it again.

Once back at the Palmwoods, while the other three boys headed indoors to give the gossip to and little Knight, Kendall couldn't bare to go inside straight away. He couldn't gather the strength to go into the Palmwoods. All it reminded him of was his lost girlfriend. The time they'd been getting ready to go to the beach house, and she hadn't been able to come. While the day hadn't started out great, it had finished fantastically. A blanket on the beach, the starry Californian night sky, the soft sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore. The way while she'd stared up at the stars smiling, he'd just stared at her instead of at the sky. The way she smiled when she talked about something she liked. Her passion for music, and acting. The way she would turn to look at him every so often and how the smile she would give him, would just light up his world, and he'd get completely lost in her brown eyes. The night had been perfection. And now standing on the parking lot to the Palmwoods, his mind replayed the entire night at twice the speed. Causing his heart if possible to break even more.

Turning away from the Palmwoods, Kendall headed towards the back entrance. The one beside the bins that only the staff took. It was always Kendall's way of sneaking back in after going out to get elevated with guitar dude and he used it to avoid people he didn't want to talk to. Unfortunately today he was just trying to figure out how to get into the palmwoods without having any form of public meltdown at the loss of his girlfriend. She had been the third most important girl in his life. After his mom, and Katie. But she had been the first real girlfriend that he'd ever had. The first one he knew he'd always treasure in his heart. While they'd both seemed pretty optimistic about how they'd stay in contact, and how come three years time they'd pick up where they'd left off, both knew three years was a long time, and there was no telling what could happen in that time. It had just been wishful thinking.

Entering the Palmwoods and he stood at the area just at the elevators. Instantly reminded of the fact that they'd shared a Christmas kiss there, under the mistletoe attached to to a hockey stick. Kendall had to blink away tears at the memory. He had never told the boys but he'd actually shopped for a gift for her weeks before and had given it to her upon her return to the Palmwoods with a smile that said, you-didn't-think-I-was-serious. He hadn't wanted the guys to make fun of him so he'd kept it a secret, and he was sure she'd loved the gift even more beccause he had waited to give it to her, away from the prying eyes of his hockey head friends. Kendall found himself smiling slightly, while tears welled at an alarming rate in his green eyes. Kendall suddenly found it difficult to keep standing. He leaned against the nearest wall, let his head fall forward and let his eyes shut. A small tear breaking free and sliding down his cheek quickly.

"get it together Knight" He told himself. What if his friends saw him like this, what on earth would they think of him. No longer the great and fearless leader who could solve anything they needed solving. The guy that had the plans. But there were no more plans to get the girl, to check if she was cheating. She was just gone. What if the Jennifers saw him like this. He would never hear the end of it. While unlike the other boys Kendall had a fairly friendly relationship with the three Jennifers, he couldn't help but think they'd find his entire stance funny, crying over someone, pathetic in their eyes. What if Camille saw him like this, she would become like Anna on the O.C. Talking about how he was very superhero, a brooding teen, crying over the lost girl. Sitting alone from his friends, a darkness in the eyes. Kendall would try to say he was spiderman, but he'd think of how she'd loved his spiderman skit and Kendall wouldn't be able to finish. Camille would maybe not laugh, but she was also the girl Logan liked, and she would tell him anything and everything.

Taking a deep breath he looked back up. No one was watching. And he was glad, because a last name flicked on his mind. What if Katie saw him like this, his little sister who did see Kendall as a superhero. The girl who looked up to him more than most. The one who had helped him get her in the first place. The one with him when he'd seen her with Jett, the one who'd help him get her to go in the first place. The top, and most important girl in his life could not see him in such a state. He was sure she'd think less of him. He didn't want that. That was really far from what Kendall wanted. Instead of lingering any longer, so near to where many people could be, Kendall headed upstairs. To the one place that only he alone knew about.

The roof of the palmwoods was not exactly a secret, but the door was generally locked, and it was only because Kendall had acquired a key that he got to go up there. He hadn't told any of the other boys, his sister, mom, his friends, or his now ex-girlfriend about the place. They'd been there on a few occasions as a group. To watch the fourth of July fireworks, to bring in the New Year. But, the place was somewhere he tended to only have memories of him being alone with his thoughts and that was just what he needed right now. He always spent a good few minutes taking in the magnificent view and thanking his lucky stars that he was in Hollywood, of all place he could've possibly been in the world. His mind briefly forgetting the girl currently traveling at incredibly speeds through the air, moving further and further away from him.

Taking a usual seat on the very edge of the roof. At the point where he could see everything, but no one usually saw him, it was and would always be his seat. He knew in parts that maybe his entire heart and body were over reacting to the loss of his girlfriend. She wasn't dead, she just wasn't with him. He knew he should be at least glad of that, and he was, but it didn't make things any easier for him. It didn't make it easier for him to just say that she at least wasn't gone forever, because in reality three years felt like forever. He was 16, of course it did. He brought his knees up to meet his bent head, so he could lean against them. He was glad that most people never thought to look up, or that it was even possible to get a key up to the roof, so he could finely let the raw emotion of the heartache wash over him.

The tears that began falling came in steady motion, his entire body shook. He didn't look up or attempt to wipe his eyes. Instead he just let his tears slowly wet his jeans. Let his cheeks feel the touch of tears knowing that this would be the only opportunity for them to fall. Maybe crying now would make tomorrow, easier. It would help heal his heart. After about ten minutes, the tears finally subsided. He could still feel his entire body shaking, but he honestly felt a little better. He sighed to himself, wiped his eyes, and just stared out into the distance. Regaining his composure.

It wasn't until another ten minutes had passed that Kendall felt ready to face the family. He knew that there would be pity in their eyes, he knew that they'd probably act weird around him. But he wasn't going to let that phase him. He was ready to once again be Kendall Donald Knight. Leader. Brother. Son. Friend.

Entering apartment 2J made him smile, a small real smile. The first since hearing about that she'd gotten the part. That brief second before his world had tumbled to a stand still. Two of his friends were playing video games, one was avidly talking to his mom about healthy food and why they were healthy, and his sister doing homework on the dining room table. No one acknowledged that he had entered the apartment, and for this he was glad. At least they were ready to give him some space. At least for now.

"You okay big brother?" Katie asked as he took a seat beside her. She looked up at his with her huge puppy brown eyes - the one she gave when she wanted to know something or do something, or wanted others to do something for her. Of course he was immune to it, like his mother was, but today he couldn't handle it. He nodded at her in a Yes response, and picked up the paper she had been working on, so he could see if she was doing okay with it. The paper shook violently in his shaking hand, he couldn't get it to stop. It was shaking so much that he couldn't read what was written on the paper, so he had to put it back in front of Katie. Kendall spared a glance to his sister that looked at him with pity clear in her eyes. "Big brother?" She repeated his voice barely above a whisper.

"I will be baby sister. I will be."


End file.
